When I was 14, all I wanted in the world was a baby. I loved the way they smelled and how easily I could make them laugh. I watched the commercials on t.v. showing moms feeding their rosy cheeked babies, sitting in their perfect kitchens all smiles. I admitt it, I thought, this is how it would be. I thought I would keep a perfect home and make my own baby food. I thought being a mother was easy, you went on walks, napped, read stories and the babies loved you.
The reality is very different.
I thank God often for allowing me to grow up before becoming a parent. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I remember bringing Hanna, our first, home from the hospital. I swear my husband and I looked at eachother and said "Now What?" We had read all the pregnancy books, but we hadn't read much about what to do after that. We stumble through that first week and then, he went back to work. I sat in a chair and cried all day. I found out later that my milk had come in and it was normal to feel sad, yeah that's what is was...milk, not fear, not responsibility, not the overwhelming realization that I was now in it alone.
Don't get me wrong, my husband is a saint and he has changed his share of dirty diapers and gone to crying babies in the night, but I, the mom, have been responsible for most of the decisions. Formula or breast milk, sleep in a crib or our bed, when to start solid food and the biggie am I spoiling her when I pick her up when she cries or feed her on demand. It took me a good six months to begin to trust myself, to feel that I may actually know what I am doing.
I thought it would get easier, but in fact it gets harder and harder as they age, the stakes are higher. I mean seriously, spoiling a child by holding them, come on! I'm talking serious shit here...are they learning to read, is there a learning problem, how come she has a stomach ache every day, will she tell me the truth, does she know what to do in case of an emergency? These are the real issues, not to mention is she happy, does she feel safe and loved, is she going to become a happy, productive human being, or an ax murderer?
Today she is home sick with a cold, easy, I made her tea and a bed on the couch. I tucked her in and kissed her hot head...this I can handle...I'll wait to see what tomorrow brings...
